She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
my liver is dry heaving
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
