Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
