Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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