im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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