So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
