I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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