remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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