So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Im part way to drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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