Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
