I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
