i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
