Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
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Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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