On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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