Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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