god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize