Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
