k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
