i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
