Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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