My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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