someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Houston, we have a squirter
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
