I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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