Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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