is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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