If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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