Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
