how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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