your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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