I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
