one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
In other news, I just burned my penis
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
