I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
