she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
