I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
