I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
