Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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