I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
