i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
