I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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