ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
