your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
