Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
