Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
