I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
