i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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