So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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