And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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