you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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