I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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