Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
