He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
