1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
