my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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